My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
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My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.