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I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.