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@ndiquote : [first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
@ndiquote: me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
@ndiquote: [first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
@ndiquote: interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
@ndiquote: [at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
@ndiquote: interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : ...so I can pay my electricity bills
@ndiquote: My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
@ndiquote: I missed you with all my darts
@ndiquote: can't now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.