[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I missed you with all my darts
having an heated argument with my toaster.