Funny Tweeter

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Page of ndiquote's best tweets

@ndiquote : [first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

@ndiquote: me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

@ndiquote: [first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

@ndiquote: interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

@ndiquote: [foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

@ndiquote: [at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

@ndiquote: interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : ...so I can pay my electricity bills

@ndiquote: My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

@ndiquote: can't now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.