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Page of nealbrennan's best tweets

@nealbrennan : At some point, every cult leader says, "Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives." Every single one.

@nealbrennan: Whenever customer service agents say that they're recording the phone call, I've started saying, "I am too."

Service is way better.

@nealbrennan: Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny...”

@nealbrennan: People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

@nealbrennan: When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

@nealbrennan: Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.

@nealbrennan: If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

@nealbrennan: I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

@nealbrennan: "Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?"
"No. Marching's hard. I tweeted about it."