The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”