Strangers have the best candy.
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Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.