I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”