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[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
oh u like history? name everything that happened
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away