The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
You Might Also Like
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Respect
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.