INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
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Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene