shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
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“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Look at this
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.