The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
set yourself free xox
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
i wish we could shoplift online
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience