Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
You Might Also Like
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??