‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat