[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
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My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Should I call tech support or pray or what
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER