[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
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*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.