[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.