You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
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I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
“No way.” -Jose
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
In banana years, I am bread.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away