What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
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Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
When you’ve simply given up.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.