Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
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I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
SF is the wild wild west man
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart