My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
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My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me