MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
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[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy