Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
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nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I hope Alan is OK
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you