“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
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[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
What’s a Messi?
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?