This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh