“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
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We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Taliband
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Cheers Twitter.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.