@nigelgodwin

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

@nigelgodwin

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

@nigelgodwin

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

@nigelgodwin

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

@nigelgodwin

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

@nigelgodwin

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them