Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
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I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”