I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
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[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
me after drinking all the wine:
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber