After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
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ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Spotted in New Orleans.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?