I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
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when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
How to woo a woman
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”