How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
How animals would run if they were human
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons