Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
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I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.