Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
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son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard