Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
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I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
That lamp looks PISSED.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
This is Sparta
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?