*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*
Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers
“You look fine now”
Me- are you still mad at me?
*one minute later*
Me- What about now?
“Yes I’m here for a conjugal visit please”
Guard- name of prisoner?
Me – not sure, can I go in and pick one?
Things I’m doing today
* going to the gym
* having sex
* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep
* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it
* wakes up
* forgot key word
Texts son – to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away
God he’s lazy, took him ten minutes to reply
Can you guess which dog isn’t falling for the “worm pill” wrapped in bacon ?
That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.
Things I hate