@noneofyours99

*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*

Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers

“You look fine now”

@noneofyours99

Me- are you still mad at me?
CW- yes!!!

*one minute later*

Me- What about now?

@noneofyours99

“Yes I’m here for a conjugal visit please”
Guard- name of prisoner?
Me – not sure, can I go in and pick one?

@noneofyours99

* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep

* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it

* wakes up

* forgot key word

@noneofyours99

Texts son – to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away

God he’s lazy, took him ten minutes to reply

@noneofyours99

Can you guess which dog isn’t falling for the “worm pill” wrapped in bacon ?

@noneofyours99

That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.