Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@noneofyours99 : *Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*
Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers
"You look fine now"
@noneofyours99: Me- are you still mad at me?
*one minute later*
Me- What about now?
@noneofyours99: "Yes I'm here for a conjugal visit please"
Guard- name of prisoner?
Me - not sure, can I go in and pick one?
@noneofyours99: Things I'm doing today
* going to the gym
* having sex
@noneofyours99: * thinks of a tweet before falling asleep
* decided to remember a "key word* so I can remember it
* wakes up
* forgot key word
@noneofyours99: Texts son - to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away
God he's lazy, took him ten minutes to reply
@noneofyours99: Can you guess which dog isn't falling for the "worm pill" wrapped in bacon ?
@noneofyours99: That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.
@noneofyours99: Things I hate