@noneofyours99

My son’s grandparents

They give me a heads up on what they are sending him each year

Aaand I pretend I knew it was his birthday and didn’t forget again.

@noneofyours99

*hears that my 89 year old neighbor is in a nursing home now*

Flashlight, rubber gloves, and off I go for that shower chair!

@noneofyours99

SO! If the Englandy people are called English
Then us Americany people should be called Americish

That is all

@noneofyours99

I have it on good authority those zombie movies are fake!

Because! A body goes in to rigamortis! It doesn’t just skip that part!

@noneofyours99

Ignore all the hissing and growling coming from my room

I’ve decided it’s cuddle time whether my cat likes it or not.

@noneofyours99

I just realized
All italian foods and drinks end in an “I”

Ravioli
Calamari
Spaghetti
Peach bellini
Manicotti
Biscotti
Lasagnai

@noneofyours99

You know what? I don’t like your tone. I’d like a new person please

911 operator – ma’am, police are almost there ju….

Me – LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

@noneofyours99

DM – omg tazz long time no speak
Me – hi (who are you?)
DM – How have you been?

Me – okay I’m gonna need you to show me all your Avis since 2013

@noneofyours99

I want to be that grandma someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public.