Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
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lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
😂🤣😂🤣
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.