I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
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Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya