“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
me, after any kind of buffet.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.