When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Adam: This isnt so bad
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this
[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
So the ex texted me
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.