Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*