The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.