@noogscorner
I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like “That one’s shaped like an idiot.”
@noogscorner
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
@noogscorner
Pick something up. You just applied more force on that object than the gravity of an entire planet. Earth, do you even lift?
@noogscorner
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
@noogscorner
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
@noogscorner
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
@noogscorner
Alien 1: What are the Humans doing?
Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers.
Alien 1: I ate my mother.
Alien 2: As did I.
@noogscorner
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
@noogscorner
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
@noogscorner
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.