@noogscorner

I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like “That one’s shaped like an idiot.”

@noogscorner

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

@noogscorner

Pick something up. You just applied more force on that object than the gravity of an entire planet. Earth, do you even lift?

@noogscorner

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

@noogscorner

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

@noogscorner

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

@noogscorner

Alien 1: What are the Humans doing?

Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers.

Alien 1: I ate my mother.

Alien 2: As did I.

@noogscorner

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

@noogscorner

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.