@noogscorner

Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn’t give them a progress report every week.

@noogscorner

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

@NoogsCorner

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

@NoogsCorner

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

@NoogsCorner

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

@NoogsCorner

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

@NoogsCorner

Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.

@NoogsCorner

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

@NoogsCorner

Women always complain about periods. Talk to me when ovaries become supersensitive, hang in a thin sac and you accidentally sit on them.