I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
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I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.