Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn’t give them a progress report every week.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Women always complain about periods. Talk to me when ovaries become supersensitive, hang in a thin sac and you accidentally sit on them.