Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
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My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.