Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I’ll use that broom.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.
An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.