@NoogsCorner: Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word "voluptuous."
@NoogsCorner: Cop: Why are your eyes bloodshot?
Me: My girlfriend dumped me and I was crying...
Me: ...so I smoked weed to feel better.
@NoogsCorner: Take Dr. Seuss, make him a black midget with chronic asthma and give him access to Urban Dictionary. Behold, Lil' Wayne.
@NoogsCorner: Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
@NoogsCorner: Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
@NoogsCorner: After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
@NoogsCorner: Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
@NoogsCorner: *notices it's not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss...*nn*...to 5 insomniacs*