Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Take Dr. Seuss, make him a black midget with chronic asthma and give him access to Urban Dictionary. Behold, Lil’ Wayne.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.