Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
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Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I’m not lazy
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley