babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
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Holy crap this is wonderful
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
You are what you delete.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy