I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
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One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.