If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.
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My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.
I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.
[gets pulled over by the cops]
Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane.
Me: check the trunk.
The first rule of liars club is to tell everyone you’re in fight club.