I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
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I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.