Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
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Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
plant them where lol
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Usage Guidelines
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one